A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
