She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
