You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
