It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My hand turned me down
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
