I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
