I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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