please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
