you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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