I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The uberlube is also flammable
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
