if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
