Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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