We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
