my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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