I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
