you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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