I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
