Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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