I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
