I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
