apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
