oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
