If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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