the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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