I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
