I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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