he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
