Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
