I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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