And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
