I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
