eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
