You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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