I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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