Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
