Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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