I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think my fart just growled at me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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