So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
