dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
