I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
