new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
