Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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