He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
