I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
