my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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