The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
