Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
