Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
