My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
