Banned from zoo.
Again?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
