I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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