i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
