I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
