thus making me awesome and them whores
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
