So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
