How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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