We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
