Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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