we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
