Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Alive.
So much puke
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
