I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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